God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
