i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
