3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The maid of honor just puked.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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