well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
