Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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