Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
