There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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