how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i now understand why vodka
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
