I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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