party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
