I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
