we have officially lost it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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