I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
