When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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