speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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