She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
