I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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