I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Green mimosas i think yes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
