You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
