Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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