If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
