He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
