When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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