She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
