im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
