she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
