I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
