I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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