After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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