Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
