Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I faked an abortion last night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
