Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
