did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
