Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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