somebody snuck up and got me drunk
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
