Banned from zoo.
Again?
I need to stop coming to work sober
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
