i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
