I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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