I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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