Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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