OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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