Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
