You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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