My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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