I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
