i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
