1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize