dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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