the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
