I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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