The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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