I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
