you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
