My hand turned me down
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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