All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize